Ouchimaki
by Tuvstarr's lost heart
Summary: To dress a toddler is an occupational hazard of parenthood that comes with a rather specific set of dangers. Naruto knows this but trying to explain that to your childless friends without sounding like a complete idiot is a completely different headache. Set in between Naruto and Boruto era. A silly family fic with slight NaruHina, but only mentioned.


_Alt title and summary: Painful Lessons in Loss of Dignity_

 _Before he became a parent, Naruto would never have imagined sore nuts and busted lips to be common side effects of something as trivial as dressing your miniature copy for a play-date. However, that was a long time ago..._

 _So… eh yesterday I told iBloo about yet another awkward incident of my everyday life and she squealed and said that I had to make a fic out of it and helped with dialogue… So, here it is. Dedicated to you my wonderful friend 3_

 _Many thanks to both iBloo and Spacerune for betaing this heap of random silliness._

* * *

"Boruto, stop being silly and come here!" Naruto gruffed while trying to wrestle his son into a pair of shorts and a simple tee. It amazed the young man how the little body of the toddler could twist itself almost inside out and wiggle himself out of Naruto's grasp over and over. Three-year-olds really were like eels in some aspects, Naruto mused. "Boruto, come on now. Your playmate will be here any moment and you don't want to be a nudie-bum when Auntie Sakura and Sarada-chan come to visit you, right?"

In response, Boruto laughed and launched himself on top of Naruto. Grinning at his son's antics, Naruto playfully fell backwards onto the bed, indulging Boruto in a short play-fight before it was time to get dressed.

"Nudie-bum! Nudie-bum! Nudie-bum!" Boruto shouted and wiggled around as they engaged in his favourite game. "I win, I win!" he shrieked and flung himself up on his dad by propelling himself up on his stomach and laughed when his dad made a funny noise.

" _Oumph,_ Ow Ow Ow, Not ma' nuts! Be careful!" Naruto wheezed out, grunting. He pushed the toddler's knee away from his groin before rolling over on his side and folding, cradling his testicles. Not quite aware of the more sensitive spots on his father's body, Boruto had accidentally used them as a stable point to climb up on.

Observing his father's odd behaviour Boruto shrugged, and once more climbed up on top of his dad, pushing him down on the bed with all his might. He decided that to hammer in his win, he would sit on top of him!

Naruto's eyes widened as the tiny butt descended on his face and he shied away, only to get a sharp elbow shoved into his lower lip as Boruto slid off him when Naruto shifted. "Ow! Stop that 'ttebayo!" he ordered and gently touched his sore lip to check the damage. _Ouch,_ that was going to leave a mark—not to speak of his poor abused nuts throbbing painfully where Boruto had kneed him.

Nursing his honourable injuries, obtained by battling a fearsome opponent and still defending himself against the ruthless attacks, he tried to stop the grin threatening to spread in response to the rough-housing. Naruto might be sore, but he knew well that was not the intention of the little shit, and Boruto's innocent excitement was almost palpable, eyes shining in competitive exhilaration and with the squealing laughter loudly signalling the little brat's joy over 'winning' the game. Still, best not to encourage such naughty behaviours.

A pointless exercise, really.

His attempt to remain stern had extremely little effect on Boruto, whose innocent, high-pitched squeals of joy only increased as he took aim and launched himself upon his dad again.

"Hey! No! I mean it. Keep your bottom away from my face!" Naruto barked. He took back his earlier thought about the little brat being cute! Enough was enough. Reaching out to grab the little rascal by the waist, he froze hearing someone awkwardly clearing their throat.

Hearing the slight cough Naruto threw his head around, spotting Hinata shaking her head and giggling at the silliness in front of her, standing together with Sakura and Sarada. The latter stared at the two of them with eyes as wide as saucers and the former with a judgingly raised eyebrow, shaking her head in silent exasperation at the scene.

"Honestly—what are you _doing_?" Sakura asked, her brow raising even higher as she laid eyes on the blooming swelling on the side of Naruto's face. Was that a busted lip?

"Ah, eh… Hi Sakura-chan and Sarada-chan! Welcome! Eh… well, we were just about to—"

"Okay, I don't really need to hear it. Just put some clothes on Boruto and we'll meet you both out in the backyard." Sakura rolled her eyes and shooed the still widely staring Sarada out of the room while Hinata giggled to herself, closing the door behind them.

…

Gently putting the ice pack Hinata had brought him onto his sore lip once they made their way outside, Naruto grimaced and addressed his old teammate, making his best puppy-eye impersonation. "Sakura-chan, would you please?"

"Absolutely not. If you let a _toddler_ get the best of you while play-fighting, then you deserve to bear the shame, publically," Sakura snickered, and her amusement only increased when Naruto made a face in response.

"Aw, Sakura-chan, come on. A little sympathy here?"

"Sympathy is for those who deserve it," Sakura ended the conversation, snorting at Naruto's disappointed face as he resigned to his fate and put the ice pack back on.

She _could_ heal him, in no time at all, but what would be the fun in that?

Additionally, if he really wanted to, he could always use Kurama's power to heal himself in an instant, but since he hadn't already, she had a feeling he didn't want to involve the fox and admit to his ridiculous injury.

If he was that stubborn, he could keep his busted lip. It was nothing but fair, as Sakura saw it.

…

With the icepack and his own accelerated healing ability, Naruto had just about forgotten about his busted lip later that day when he got called to the Hokage's office for a mission. Until he was met by four sets of confused glares, that was. Well, one pair of eyes hidden behind thick sunglasses, but Naruto just knew that Shino was staring as much as the others, even if he didn't have any proof.

Kakashi, Shikamaru, Kiba, and Shino all looked at him with varying degrees of discretion and disbelief, and Naruto's mood fell. "What'ya looking at?" he gruffed and approached as the rest gathered in front of the Hokage's desk.

A moment of dead silence passed by before Shikamaru cleared his throat and sighed in annoyance. "How troublesome… Now, shall we all just assume that you did something to piss Sakura off again, ooor?"

Naruto pouted. "No! And she wouldn't even heal me. Cruel…"

"Then… what happened? Did Sasuke return without reporting in here?" Kakashi threw out, mild concern mixed in with bemusement at the foul mood his old student was in. _Something_ had happened, and he wasn't above admitting he was curious, and slightly cautious too… Someone that managed to leave a mark on Naruto was a force to be reckoned with—and could pose a threat to the village…

Naruto made a face at the implication that Sasuke would one-up him like that and soured even more. "No, just drop it will ya? It will heal in no time, dattebayo! So, what are ya all staring at?"

Kiba and Shino threw each other a glance, and a wolfish grin spread across the former's face, while Shino remained as deadpan as usual. "Lemme guess," Kiba drawled, "Hinata finally got sick of you being an idiot and Gentle Fisted you outta the bedroom?"

Getting real sick of his friends' teasing, Naruto threw a withering look Kiba's way. How dare he assume that Naruto would do something stupid to make Hinata upset? "It was Boruto, okay, you bastards. We were playing and his elbows, as tiny as they are, are sharper than you'd think, OKAY? Can we all just DROP IT NOW?"

"..."

As if on cue, the whole room burst out in howling laughter. All but Naruto, of course.


End file.
